The Secret To Helping Your Child Abide By Your Rules

Adina Soclof

When we make rules for our children, we should not expect that they can or want to listen to us. Children don’t always like the limits we set.

Kids, just like adults, do not like being told what to do, even if we have their best interests at heart. Children get frustrated by their parent’s constant requests and demands. It is only natural that children will try to find way around our rules.

Back Talk Can Be Used To Distract Us From Enforcing Our Rules

There is one tactic that children use that drives parents crazy: talking back in order to wiggle out of doing what we say. If our kids are rude and disrespectful, it usually leads us straight into some sort of power struggle and conflict.

Parents forget about the limits they are trying to set and focus on trying to improve poor behavior. We use up a lot of energy when we fight with our kids. There usually isn’t a lot left over to enforce our rules. We may not realize it, but when children do this, we get distracted from the real issues at hand.

To explain this concept fully, here is an example of a dialogue where a child uses back talk to avoid following rules:

Mom: "Honey, I said you cannot go to the mall with friends at your age."

Daughter: "But all my friends do it!"

Mom: "So what?"

Daughter: "Well, that is the dumbest rule I ever heard. It’s just because you don’t know the first thing about shopping, and you never wear anything nice!"

Mom: "How dare you say that to me!"

Daughter: "I can say whatever I want! I hate your rules. You are so mean!"

Mom: "You are so fresh!"

The battle can just get worse from there. Tensions can escalate with no end in sight.

A Better Way

Wendy Mogel, author of "The Blessing of a B Minus," suggests that parents ignore the rude behavior and concentrate on the mission of getting children to observe the rules. She proposes that parents stay calm when children attack, and recommends using the following phrases to help us keep our cool and maintain the limits we set:

Nevertheless….

That is not the issue.

My decision is final.

I am not going to change my mind about this.

Mom: "Honey, I told you you cannot go to the mall with your friends until you are 12 years old."

Daughter: "But all my friends do it!"

Mom: "Nevertheless, this is the rule."

Daughter: "Well, that is the dumbest rule I ever heard. It’s just because you don’t know the first thing about clothing and you never wear anything nice!"

Mom: "My decision about the mall is final."

Daughter: "I hate your rules. You are so mean!"

Mom: "That is not the issue."

Daughter: "Fine. But I'm going to let my own daughter do whatever she wants!"

Mom: "I am not going to change my mind about this."

No More Power Struggles

As you can see, these phrases help us avoid getting pulled into an argument with our kids. It helps us keep the peace even in our most difficult interactions. In the long run, it also teaches our children that bad manners and rudeness will not work in getting us to back down and rethink our rules.

ADINA SOCLOF Adina Soclof is a certified speech pathologist and parent educator. Her website www.ParentingSimply.com offers informative and inspirational parenting workshops designed to help parents create a calm, happy home.