How To Talk To Your Teen About Relationships

Heather Mikkelsen

As contemporary parents of teens, we are pretty progressive. We have used anatomically correct terms for body parts since our children can remember. We’ve banished “The Sex Talk” from our collective vocabulary, understanding that it is a conversation that is ongoing. But there is one area we may overlook in our zest to pass on our understanding of hard science. We need to talk to our teens about relationships.

When we talk to our teens about abstinence and delaying sex, we make marriage the end goal. However, we know that marriage does not necessarily create a healthy relationship, but a successful marriage cannot exist without one. So, what does a good relationship look like?

You may feel as if you are teetering on the brink of “do as I say and not as I do” when the conversation about relationships begins with your teenager. Don’t be afraid to admit your own struggles. Demonstrate kindness with yourself as it will heal you and model this behavior for your children. Keep talking even if it seems they aren’t listening. By doing that, you are creating a space for future conversations and letting them know that this is not an area you are afraid to explore with them.

Below, find excerpts from my book Be Smart that I hope will give you some ideas for ways to begin a dialogue with your teens about relationships.

When your teen comes to you to talk about a friend, a break-up, or any struggle, comfort her as you would a friend, listening and reassuring, being present while she finds her own answers. I tell myself to listen with heart. To me, this means listening with compassion, but respecting the other person’s need to experience this. The widening of one’s frame of reference can be painful. Just be there for your child.

Teach your teen that the most important relationship he or she will ever have is that with oneself. Joseph Campbell said, “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." It takes practice to do this, because it is much more common and acceptable to be self-critical than respectful and loving. Teach your teen to treat the self lovingly and with respect, and they will never settle for anything less in future relationships.

Every relationship is a tapestry of experiences, history, and feelings. Some of the most important ingredients of a quality relationship are mutual trust, respect, dialogue, desires, honesty, and faithfulness. Without these the relationship will run out of steam. Teach your teen to be observant of the self and the other person, learn, and then use this new knowledge to improve every relationship.



What readers are saying about Heather's book, Be Smart (Your Nurse Practitioner's Guide to Sexual Health and Well-being):

"This book is perfect! I'm a college freshman and I plan on taking it with me for a reference for my friends and I for any questions that we encounter! Finally someone knows what they are talking about and put it in a non-embarrassing manner! Thanks Heather! You're the best!" ~ Elizabeth Harkey

"Be Smart is a well written and informative book for all young adults. It is the book you wish every teenager could read before becoming sexually active. Heather Mikkelsen has provided parents with the perfect handbook to give to our children which fills the gaps in the information they are receiving from both home and school. Cheers!" ~ Patricia A. Cook

"As a nurse, I have worked to educate adolescents and adults about sexual health and well-being, often struggling to explain health practices and processes in a way my patients can understand. I believe this book has a great deal to offer readers from puberty and onward; clearly answering the sexual health questions many of us either don't know how to discuss or don't give needed attention. This book gives understandable, to-the-point info in a non-judgmental way which I believe is absolutely necessary in reaching teenagers (and many adults). Highly recommend!" ~ Pazoo Xiong

HEATHER MIKKELSEN Heather Mikkelsen has been a Family Nurse Practitioner for ten years. She received her undergraduate degree from the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill and her graduate degrees from San Diego State University and University of California San Diego. She currently works in a setting where she sees primarily adolescent patients. It was their honesty and questions that lead to the writing of her book Be Smart (Your Nurse Practitioner’s Guide to Sexual Health and Well-being).

Why Children Snore?

Q:

My 7-year-old has been snoring for years, but recently it got worse. He snores very loudly and every night. He is restless at night, and wakes up very tired each morning. I heard him stop breathing in the middle of the night a couple of times maybe for about 5-10 seconds. Then, he would make a gurgling sound, snore, and resume breathing. He has not had any illnesses since last winter. What could cause his snoring?

A:

Snoring can be related to a number of things: allergies, colds, sinus infections, enlarged tonsils and/or adenoids, and sleep apnea.

If snoring has been going on for a while, especially that it is getting worse, you should make a visit with your child's regular health care provider as soon as possible. He or she might recommend a neck X-ray to rule out enlarged tonsils and/or adenoids and possibly schedule a sleep study to rule out sleep apnea.

Tips for Helping Children Handle Their Emotions

Lisa Firestone, PhD

Author and humorist Erma Bombeck once wrote, “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” As parents, we all have moments when we would like to hide away, avoid confrontation, and wait for the quiet that follows the storm. Parenting is an incredible challenge, full of foibles, fits, and frantic attempts to calm and soothe our children. In our efforts, we’re frequently left to follow our instincts and try our best, sometimes reaching thrilling victories and other times falling foolishly off course.

Though it can seem like we are stumbling blindly through the web of challenges parenting presents, there are ways to better understand our child’s rapidly developing mind and strategies to help our children through their own personal challenges and emotional lows. Some of the most valuable of insights come from a new book by Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Bryson, The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive. In this acclaimed text, parents are introduced to a new science illustrating how a child’s brain is wired and how it matures. With this understanding as a base, parents can implement techniques that help turn meltdowns into opportunities to integrate their child’s brain.

Like all human beings, children are ruled by their emotional right brain and their logical left brain. Helping children to understand and integrate both sides of their brain equips them with an invaluable tool that enables them to lead a more balanced, emotionally stable, and mentally healthy life. Even though our goal is to raise calm and happy kids, very often we make mistakes in the moments when our children are at their most vulnerable. For example, when our kids throw tantrums, we may attempt to appeal to them through pure logic, instruction, or worse case scenario, by “losing it” ourselves. When we comprehend what is going on in our child’s brain during these meltdowns, we learn a better way to relate to our children as well as a powerful method to teach them effective tools for coping with their own tumultuous emotions.

Use the logic of left brain to make sense out of feelings in the right – Simply telling our children to “calm down” or “stop crying” is not an effective way to help them through what Dr. Bryson calls “emotional tsunamis.” Demanding our kids be rational when they are operating under the influence of their irrational right brains is a mis-attuned effort often made in vain. Instead, offer your child empathy. Acknowledge that they are feeling bad, scared, frustrated etc. and express that you are sorry they’re in pain. As they become calmer, ask them to explain what upset them and help guide them through their story, while investigating what triggered the meltdown.

Help kids tell their story – Protective as we may be, our kids will all experience at least mildly traumatic events. Mean teachers who ridiculed them, scary seconds when they got lost in the supermarket; instances that incited fear, anger, or sadness will arise. We can help our kids resolve these traumas when they occur by supporting their effort to make sense out of what happened to them. This process starts with talking to them about it. Don’t avoid stressful topics in hopes that your kids will forget all about the incident. Instead, gently guide your children, as they tell you their story. “When did you notice your mother wasn’t around? How did you feel when you realized you were lost?’ Talking may seem difficult at first, but the more a child can make sense of his or her story, the more integrated and calm he or she will become. Contrarily, any unresolved trauma can present problems later in life.

Teach your child that feelings go through us – When our child has calmed down, it is helpful to explain to them that feelings, even intense emotions, come and go. Our emotions pass through us like waves, building and building until finally they reach their peak, crash, and subside. We can’t choose these feelings, but we can decide how we will behave when they arise. We can be curious about them and talk about them, all the while understanding that they won’t last forever.

Rupture and repair – Parents are human. We mess up, we say the wrong thing, and sometimes we let our own emotions get in the way. When this happens, we can help our kids a great deal by talking to them about what happened and how we behaved. We shouldn’t be afraid to say sorry when we make mistakes. Be open about your own story. Explain how you overreacted because you felt angry or afraid. By relaxing and acknowledging your reaction, you are demonstrating how to calm down, a lesson your children can apply when they find themselves in similar situations.

Keep calm and carry on – We’ve all either seen or been that mother who is getting into a full-on argument with their two-year-old about putting a sweater on, or that father who is practically throwing his own tantrum as his kid cries over what he’s served for lunch. No matter what the scenario, losing our temper is never the solution. Letting our emotional right brains take over only teaches our kids to feel as out of control as we’re behaving. Our own unresolved traumas and negative early experiences will constantly inform our reactions to our kids. Be aware of what triggers you, and be sure to separate the emotions these events stir up from your kids’ independent experience.

By being more attuned to our kids, understanding their developing mind, and actively seeking out and implementing effective strategies to help them cope, we are doing them a great service in arming them with tools that will not only strengthen their own resilience but will be passed on to future generations.

About the Author

Dr. Lisa Firestone, PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of theFirestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and theFirestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006),Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), andCreating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).

Reprinted with permission from PsychAlive.org.

Eating Disorders:What Families Need to Know

Kyla Boyse, R.N.

What do I need to know about eating disorders?

Most importantly, you should know that eating disorders require medical attention.

The two best-known types of eating disorders are anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. They can occur separately or together in the same person. A person who has an eating disorder is not always skinny. Some people with eating disorders are even overweight. Binge eating disorder is another kind of eating disorder.

Can men and boys have eating disorders?

Eating disorders most often affect girls and women, but boys and men can also have an eating disorder. One out of every four pre-teen kids with anorexia is a boy. Binge eating disorder affects females and males about equally.

What is anorexia nervosa?

To be diagnosed with anorexia, a person would:

• Be 15% below their ideal weight

• Have an intense fear of being fat, even though they are underweight

• Have a distorted view of their body or deny that their low weight is a problem

• Have amenorrhea (missing at least 3 periods in a row)

• May or may not also binge and purge

Anorexia usually affects teens, and mostly girls. An estimated 1% of white females have anorexia nervosa. It is more common among people in higher income groups, and in groups that value thinness (like athletes, ballet dancers and models). It usually starts around ages 13-14 or ages 17-18.

What is bulimia?

To receive a diagnosis of bulimia nervosa, a person would:

• Binge eat (eat more food all at once than most people would normally eat in the same setting )

• Feel a lack of control during binge eating

• Purge the food by making themselves vomit, fasting (not eating for 24 hours), exercising excessively (for more than an hour), or abusing diet pills, laxatives, enemas, or diuretics (water pills)

• Binge and purge regularly over a period of time

• Have a self-image based mostly on their body shape and weight instead of other traits

People with bulimia may be anywhere from underweight, to normal weight, to overweight. It is estimated that as much as 3% of college-aged women have bulimia.

What is binge eating disorder?

Binge eating disorder is diagnosed when a person:

• Continues to binge eat over time (eating more food all at once than most people would eat in the same setting)

• Feels a lack of control during binge eating

• Eats fast during binges

• Overeats to the point of discomfort

• Eats a lot when not hungry

• Eats alone out of shame

• Feels disgusted with themselves, depressed or very guilty after overeating

• Is worried about their binge eating

Binge eating disorder does not include the purging consistent with anorexia and bulimia. It may be the most common eating disorder. About 40% of obese people may have this problem.

• for more information: http://win.niddk.nih.gov/publications/binge.htm

What causes eating disorders?

We don’t know for sure. Many factors working together may lead to eating disorders. Dieting is a risk factor, with the greatest risk to severe dieters. Around two-thirds of new cases of eating disorder are in girls and women who have dieted.

Is an eating disorder dangerous to my child’s health?

Eating disorders can cause many dangerous medical and mental illnesses.

Is it dangerous to use medications to lose weight?

The products a person might use to lose weight can be very unsafe. The regular use ofdiuretics (water pills), laxatives, and weight loss pills can cause life-threatening problems. And they don’t even work that well for weight loss. Using syrup of ipecac to cause vomiting can also lead to severe illness or death.

Should I worry if my child is on a diet to lose weight?

Most kids and teens do not need a restrictive diet. Limiting eating to control weight not only doesn’t work, but in fact, dieting promotes weight gain in tweens and teens. Reading dieting advice in magazines may lead to later unhealthy weight loss behavior in girls.

How can I tell whether my child has a healthy weight?

If you are concerned about your child’s weight, you should take them to see their doctor. There are some different measurements the doctor may take.

• Weight and height can be compared and plotted on a growth chart.

• Body mass index (BMI) is a good screening number that points toward how much body fat a person has. This number comes from a formula using height and weight numbers. It is a little difficult to compute by hand. You can use the link above to read about children’s BMI, calculate your child’s BMI on the web calculator, and find out their percentile rank.

◦ What does percentile mean? A body mass index (BMI) below the 5th percentile for the child’s age and sex is a sign of underweight. This would mean that 5% of children the same age and sex have a lower BMI than your child. A BMI around the 50th percentile is about average. A BMI above the 95th percentile is a sign of overweight. This would mean that 95% of kids the same age and sex have a lower BMI than your child. Your child would be in the top 5% highest BMIs.

◦ One drawback to BMI is that it does not take into account frame size (either small or large) or high muscle development (like with bodybuilding). A person with a large frame or big muscles may have a high BMI but low body fat. A person with a small frame may have a healthy amount of body fat, but have a very low BMI.

◦ Be sure to use measurements from the doctor’s office when calculating BMI. A small error in height or weight can cause a big error in the BMI result.

◦ Kidshealth.org has a BMI calculator that allows you to plot trends in BMI over time on a chart. (Follow the “instructions for entering more than one set of measurements.”) Then you can see if your child is gaining or losing body fat. Call your child’s doctor if you have concerns.

How can I tell if my child might have an eating disorder?

Look for these behaviors, signs and symptoms:

• Eating tiny portions or refusing to eat

• Intense fear of being fat

• Distorted body image

• Strenuous exercising (for more than an hour)

• Hoarding and hiding food

• Eating in secret

• Disappearing after eating—often to the bathroom

• Large changes in weight, both up and down

• Social withdrawal

• Depression

• Irritability

• Hiding weight loss by wearing bulky clothes

• Little concern over extreme weight loss

• Stomach cramps

• Menstrual irregularities—missing periods

• Dizziness

• Feeling cold all the time

• Sleep problems

• Cuts and calluses across the top of finger joints (from sticking finger down throat to cause vomiting)

• Dry skin

• Puffy face

• Fine hair on body

• Thinning of hair on head, dry and brittle hair

• Cavities, or discoloration of teeth, from vomiting

• Muscle weakness

• Yellow skin

• Cold, mottled hands and feet or swelling of feet

If your child has some of these signs, you should bring them to the doctor right away. Your doctor can rule out diseases that can appear to be eating disorders. If an eating disorder is not treated, it can become life threatening.

How can I help my child?

• In a calm and caring way, tell your child what you saw or heard. Use "I” statements and let him or her know you are concerned. For example, "I'm worried about you because you haven't eaten lunch this week.”

• Listen carefully to what your child says. Teens with eating disorders might feel ashamed or afraid. They may think that life doesn't matter. Feeling out of control is also common.

• What if they get mad or deny it? It is very common for kids with problems to say that there is nothing wrong. Tell them you want to help. You may need to approach them several times.

• Find out the first steps to getting help for a child or family member if you suspect they have an eating disorder.

• Parents should be aware of their child’s Internet use. There are many pro-eating disorder Web sites, and even YouTube has videos that promote eating disorders. These sites often use the terms “pro-ana” (for anorexia) and “pro-mia” (for bulimia).
  

• How are eating disorders treated? How can I get my child started in treatment?

The first goal in treating severe anorexia is to improve your child’s nutrition and eating habits. Then, the goals will focus on learning about nutrition and normal eating patterns, improving self-esteem, relating to others, interacting with family, and treating medical and other psychological problems.

What is Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)?

Your child may have Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). Having BDD means thinking about what you look like much more than normal. It also involves thinking too much about real or imagined defects in how you look. It is a kind of distorted thinking. It affects males and females about equally.

If you think your child has BDD or body image problems, you should talk to your child’s doctor. Your child’s health care provider can refer you to someone who can help. It’s best to see someone with expertise in treating BDD. It’s also helpful to see someone who treats obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), since OCD and BDD often overlap.

What can we do to help prevent these problems?

You may feel you want to protect your child from the hurt of being teased about their weight. Unfortunately, focusing on your child's body may do more harm than good. Your child may begin to value themselves solely on what they look like. They may feel they have to look a certain way to gain approval and acceptance. Do not stress what your child looks like. Instead, put the focus on your child’s inner qualities.

Pay attention to the messages you send your child about appearance and weight. Do you constantly diet, and talk about “good foods” and “bad foods?” Do you make negative comments about your own body in front of your child? Make your home a place to learn healthy attitudes about food and body image. Stop the dieting, and instead focus on eating and serving healthy foods. Make sure your family eats breakfast, and share family mealsas often as possible.

It may also help to discourage your daughter from reading many women’s fashion magazines and from seeking out other media that portray underweight women as being glamorous. Discuss media images of “ideal bodies” with your children. Teach your kids to be media literate, which will help protect them from harmful messages about food, eating, and body size from TV, music videos, magazines, and ads.

What are some recommended books?

• How to Get Your Kid to Eat…But Not Too Much, by Ellyn Satter. 
This is a book all parents should read, whether their children have eating problems or not. It applies to kids from birth through the teen years. The advice in this book can help you help your child to develop a healthy relationship with food.

• I'm, Like, So Fat: Helping Your Teen Make Healthy Choices about Eating and Exercise in a Weight-Obsessed World, by Dianne Neumark-Sztainer.

• Eating With Your Anorexic: How My Child Recovered Through Family-Based Treatment and Yours Can Too, by Laura Collins.

• Help Your Teenager Beat An Eating Disorder, by James Lock and Daniel LeGrange.

• Gaining: The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders, by Aimee Liu.

• When Dieting Becomes Dangerous: A Guide to Understanding and Treating Anorexia and Bulimia, by Deborah Michel and Susan Willard.

• It's Not About Food: Change Your Mind, Change Your Life; End Your Obsession with Food and Weight, by Carol Emery Normandi.

Organizations and information/support websites:

• The National Eating Disorders Association is the largest not-for-profit organization in the United States working to prevent eating disorders, eliminate body dissatisfaction, and provide treatment referrals to those suffering from anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder and those concerned with body image, eating and weight issues. Their Web site offers information about eating disorders and body image; referrals to treatment centers, doctors, therapists, and support groups; opportunities to get involved in prevention efforts; prevention programs for all ages; and educational materials. Call 1-206 382-3587 for more information. Call the Toll-Free Information and Referral HelpLine at 1-800-931-2237.

• The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders(ANAD) http://www.anad.org/ has an international network of support groups, offers referrals to health care professionals, publishes a newsletter, and will mail information packets customized to individual needs upon request. They work to educate the public, promote research projects, and fight insurance discrimination and dangerous advertising. Their national hotline (847-831-3438) can give you a listing of support groups and referrals in your area.

• Maudsley Parents is a site for parents of eating disordered children. The site offers information on eating disorders and family-based treatment, family stories of recovery, supportive parent-to-parent advice, and treatment information for families that opt for family-based Maudsley treatment.

• The Something Fishy Website on Eating Disorders has lots of resources of all kinds, including information and online support. (Scales are for Fish!)

• The Academy for Eating Disorders is a global organization for professionals from all fields who are committed to leadership in eating disorders research, education, treatment and prevention. Phone 703-556-9222.

• Overeaters Anonymous is a twelve-step program offering support for recovering from compulsive overeating. Phone 505-891-2664.

• About-Face focuses on the impact mass media have on the physical, mental and emotional well being of women and girls. They challenge our culture's overemphasis on physical appearance and encourage critical thinking about the media. Phone 1-415-436-0212.

• The Vegetarian Resource Group (VRG) educates the public on vegetarianism, health, nutrition, and more.

• The American Dietetic Association has information on good nutrition, sensible eating habits. Phone: 1-800-877-1600, ext. 5000 (for publications).

• The Weight-control Information Network provides the general public, health professionals, the media, and Congress with up-to-date, science-based information on weight control, obesity, physical activity, and related nutritional issues. Phone: (202) 828-1025 or 1-877-946-4627.

• The Council on Size and Weight Discrimination, Inc. provides information on eating disorders, "sizism," the non-dieting movement, and size discrimination. Phone: (914) 679-1209.

References

Reprinted with permission from http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/eatdis.htm

Reviewed by David Rosen, MD, MPH.

ADHD Management Tips for Parents

Kyla Boyse, R.N.

What are some tips for parents of kids with ADHD?

• Try to focus on your child's good qualities. "Catch" your child behaving well at least three times a day and tell them you noticed. Work up to more than three times a day.

• When you catch your child , simply describe to them the behavior you saw that you'd like to see more of. For example, “You really stayed with me at the mall today.”

• Tell your kid what you want them to do, instead of what you don't want them to do. (Say "Walk." instead of "Don't run.")

• Your child with ADHD will need lots of feedback from you. Provide immediate, constructive feedback often throughout the day. Again, keep it brief, specific and descriptive.

• Kids with ADHD sometimes have trouble eating well because of their medications and trouble sitting still. Make sure your child gets regular meals and snacks of healthy food.

• Vigorous exercise is also very helpful for your child, but make sure they stay safe. Kids with ADHD may need to be watched more closely than other kids their age because they can be active and impulsive. There are certain things you should do to keep them safe, like make sure they wear a helmet when biking or roller-blading.

• Help your child develop good social and communication skills, which will help him or her form fulfilling friendships with other kids.

• Make sure your child's other caregivers are also familiar with daily routines and behavioral goals. This will ensure that your child gets consistency throughout the day.

How can I help my child improve their behavior?

• Don't try to change many behaviors at once. Target one to three behaviors at a time to work on.

• Talk about the behavioral goals with your child.

• You'll probably want to focus closely on target behaviors for tracking and feedback for an hour a day or for limited time periods on a regular routine. Doing this all day long is too grueling for both you and your child.

• Reward your child with privileges and special activities like a trip to the park or a family picnic for successfully meeting behavioral goals.

• Keep a few rules and enforce them consistently. (Choose your "battles" carefully.)

• Offer choices, but keep them simple.

How should I set up the house and our routine to help my child?

• Keep a regular routine and provide lots of structure, so your child knows what to expect.

• Post lists and reminders for the routines in key places around the house. For example, you might keep a list of things to bring to school by the front door or in your child's backpack.

• Keep your home organized. Store things as close as possible to where they are used, and have “a place for everything, and everything in its place.”

How do I get my child's attention?

• No more yelling a laundry list of instructions from the other room while you're doing something else. You already know that doesn't work anyway.

• To get your child's attention, get down on the floor in front of him or her and put your hands on his or her shoulders. When they make eye contact with you, say, “There you are.” and then tell them what you need to say.

• When you give directions, give them one at a time. Break down big jobs into several smaller jobs.

• Repeat your directions, and make lots of good eye contact. Expect to have to repeat yourself over and over.

• Try writing a checklist for multiple tasks and break big jobs down into do-able chunks.

What are some tips for parents of younger kids with ADHD?

• For young children, routines are especially important.

• Post picture lists of routines in key places around the house. For example, the steps to get ready for bed on your child's bedroom wall or over the bathroom sink.

• Strike a balance between high energy and quieter activities throughout the day. Follow some restful, quiet reading and snuggle time with a trip to the park to get the wiggles out, and vice versa.

• Choose your battles—focus on one behavior you want to change at a time.

• Frequently, throughout the day, offer choices between two alternatives that are both acceptable to you. For example, “Do you want to wear your red jacket or your yellow sweatshirt?”

• Plan ahead to be sure your child is not overtired or hungry during shopping trips or other potentially “risky” outings.

• Before going out, review the “behavior guidelines." For example, keep your hands to yourself and use inside voices.

• You might want to take “practice trips.” Go out somewhere you don't mind leaving so you can leave if your child does not follow the behavior guidelines.

How can we cope with the challenges of raising a child with ADHD?

• Teachers will change each year, but parents are always there. That's why you are your child's best and most important teacher.

• Plan for one-on-one time with your child each day. Even just 10-15 minutes every day will go a long way in letting your child know they are special to you. Follow your child's lead during this special time. This will help both of you feel connected and loving toward each other.

• Stay calm and in control of yourself. You can't force your child to behave the way you want them to, but you are in complete control of your own behavior.

• Act the way you want your child to act. Be a good role model.

• Get support. There are a lot of other parents out there going through the same thing as you, and you can help each other with ideas and just by listening. (See the last section, which lists contact information for CHADD, a support group with local chapters.)

How can I help my child do better in school?

Keep in close touch with your child's teacher and work together to make things as consistent as possible between school and home. Get involved and help the teacher as much as possible.

 Sometimes your child's teachers will be very knowledgeable and helpful, and sometimes they will not. Either way, it helps a lot if you learn as much as you can about ADHD, and share with your child's teacher what works best for your child. You may want to share the tips for teachers in the next section (below) with your child's teacher.

What can teachers do to help kids with ADHD?

A teacher who understands ADHD and how to work with kids with ADHD will make a big difference in your child's school experience. Teachers need to understand how to use a program of academic instruction, behavioral interventions and classroom accommodations to help kids with ADHD. You may need to help your child's teacher learn more about how to work best with your child at school. Some basic tips for modifying the classroom include:

• Seating the child near the teacher
• Repeating instructions
• Not putting time limits on test and quizzes
• Helping the child organize
• Boosting the child's self-esteem
• Having consistent consequences for unacceptable behavior.

Where can we get information and support?

Websites:
YourChild: Learning DisabilitiesYourChild: Getting involved in your child's educationYourChild Special Feature: A Look at Biofeedback

Books:
This resource list features books for professionals, parents, adults with ADHD, and books for young people with ADHD.

Organizations:

CHADD (Children and Adults with ADD) is an advocate and information source that sponsors support groups with local chapters. There are over 20 chapters in Michigan. Call or email for one near you. Call 1-800-233-4050.

National Attention Deficit Disorder Association supports education, research and public advocacy for adults with ADHD.

NICHCY (National Information Center for Children and Youth with Disabilities) publishes free, fact-filled newsletters, arranges workshops and speakers, and advises parents on the laws entitling children with disabilities to special education and other services. Call 1-800-695-0285 (Voice/TTY) or (202) 884-8200 (Voice/TTY) or e-mail to nichcy@aed.org with your questions. Spanish language assistance is available.

All Kinds of Minds is a non-profit Institute that helps students who struggle with learning measurably improve their success in school and life by providing programs that integrate educational, scientific, and clinical expertise. The Web site offers helpful information for parents.

Council for Exceptional Children is a professional organization that provides publications for educators, and can also provide referral to ERIC (Educational Resource Information Center Clearinghouse on disabilities and gifted education). Call 1-703-620-3660.

LD Online is an educational service of public television station WETA in Washington, D.C., and has a wealth of information about learning disabilities and ADHD for parents, kids, and teachers, including Spanish language materials.

ADD Warehouse is a catalog of books, videos, and other products to help parents, educators and health professionals understand and treat all developmental disorders, including ADHD and related problems. Call 1-800-233-9273 (1-800-ADD-WARE).

Reviewed by John O'Brien, M.D.

http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/adhd.htm

Helping Your Teen Deal with Aggression

Adina Soclof

Children learn by example. Teenagers are no exception. If they live in a household where shouting, profanity or worse goes on, it is more likely that the teen will deal with aggression in the same manner. But even in households where these examples have not been set, many teens go through an aggressive or acting out phase.

Trying to deal with your teen in the middle of an aggressive episode is like trying to pick up leaves in a windstorm. You may need to remove your teen from the situation, but trying to reason with him/her is best left until he/she calms down.

Anger is being upset. Aggression is acting out. It is important to find out why there is so much aggression in your teen. Don’t overlook that it could be a chemical imbalance. Other reasons could be guilt, deep seeded anger, fear, feelings of betrayal, frustration, entitlement or insecurity.

In some cases outside help might be needed. Counseling at school or by a third party can, on occasion, work wonders if your child is able to openly discuss concerns with a non-biased person. At other times, you may be able to work toward a resolve with your teen as you discover that your teen harbors feelings that you didn’t even know existed.

While not acceptable, these hidden, unresolved feelings can manifest themselves in outrage. Aggression is often brought on by certain triggers. Sit down and discuss these triggers with your teen.

He may be able to tell you that when someone tells him what to do he gets furious. That’s a good starting point to figure out where the control issues are coming from. The fact is, all our life people will tell us what to do. That doesn’t stop into adulthood. There needs to be a non-aggressive outlet to channel that emotion.

While not directly dealing with the emotions, a physical outlet can certainly help. Enroll your teen in a martial arts class. There he will have an opportunity to spar in a controlled environment. He can also learn respect and discipline.

A Tae Kwon Do class may not solve all your teen’s problems, but it is a step in helping him or her deal with aggression. You may also want to try other activities such as running, cycling, dance, concentrate on their breathing and heartbeat, or even suggest that the kids bounce out their anger on a trampoline.

Whichever way your teen finds most effective is the way to go. As long as it is an acceptable way to respond and respect is always shown. Helping your teen deal with aggression now will definitely help him or her maintain control of the emotions and thoughts during tough times.

ADINA SOCLOF Adina Soclof is a certified speech pathologist and parent educator. Her website www.ParentingSimply.com offers informative and inspirational parenting workshops designed to help parents create a calm, happy home.

5 Great Ways to Handle Your Child's Complaints

Adina Soclof

Children are often complaining, and it drives parents crazy. There are some things that children say that just pushes our buttons and we often have difficulty remaining calm, thus we respond in anger. This just makes the situation worse.

We shouldn't try to engage our children in conversation when we are both angry. If we do, anything we say seems to make kids madder, whinier, or more demanding. This in turn irritates us even further. When a cycle of frustration and antagonism is started, it usually does not end well.

Here are some ways that we can answer our children’s most annoying demands, phrases, or comments in a calm manner:

1. “This family is so stupid!”

Instead of saying:
“How dare you talk that way about this family! That is a terrible thing to say!”

Try:
“You sound really upset and angry. I (Daddy, sibling, or Uncle Bob) must have done something to really bother you or hurt your feelings. I am here if you need to talk.”

Later when you are both calm:
“You said before that our family is stupid. Is there something else you can say when you are mad at us? Hearing that we are stupid is kind of hard to take.”

2. “But all my friends have them!”

Instead of saying:
“Well, we can’t afford to get you everything your friends have! Besides, didn’t you just get a new iPod and some iTunes gift cards? How much more do you want?”

Try:
“It's hard to see your friends get things you don’t have. It can be tough to appreciate what you have when everyone around you seems to have so much more. I wish I had the money to help you out.”

Later on when you are both calm:
“You seemed pretty upset before about not being able to get those sneakers. I hope you can figure out a way to get them. I wish I could do something. The problem is I won’t be able to help you out this time.”

3. “You never do anything for me!”

Instead of:
“You are so selfish. What do you mean I never do anything for you? Who do you think pays the rent around here?”·

Try:
“You sound pretty upset. When kids feel that way it means they need some attention and extra TLC from their parents. When you calm down, let’s make time that we can do something, just the two of us.”

Later on when you are both calm, you can say:
“I know you didn’t mean what you said before, that I don’t do anything for you. The problem is that it is hard for me to hear that. I know next time you will remember a better way to ask for what you need.”

4. “I hate leftovers! Why do we always have to have leftovers?”

Instead of:
“Do you know how hard it is to make dinner? Once in a while we have leftovers so I can have a break! Don’t you think I deserve a break?”

Try:
“Yes, I know. Leftovers for dinner can be disappointing. This is not my favorite kind of dinner either. Tomorrow I will try to have something fresh.”

Later on when you are both calm:
“I know you don’t like leftovers. However, when you complain about it, I get frustrated. It is not easy making dinners every night. Once in a while I just need a break.”

5. "Nobody ever helps me. I have to do everything myself!”

Instead of:
“What are you talking about? We always help you. You need to start doing things yourself!”

Try:
“You sound overwhelmed. Even though Mom and I think you can load the dishwasher yourself, you feel like it is a big job. I wish I could help you. The problem is that I have to take care of the laundry. I know you can handle this. As soon as I am done with the wash, I will come help you if you are not done.”

Later on when you are both calm:
“Do you want to discuss your responsibilities in the house? If you are having trouble with your chores, we want to know. We can try to think of some solutions together.”

It is important to respond to our children’s complaints in a matter of fact way and with empathy. It helps us to avoid conflict and models for children appropriate ways to respond to anger.

Later on when both parties are calm, parents should talk about how they feel and the frustration they experience when they are spoken to in a disrespectful manner. This helps children learn to be sensitive to others and encourages them to be more respectful down the line. It is also good to invite children to think of better ways to communicate their needs in the future. This teaches them to take responsibility for their behavior and to turn negative communication patterns into more positive ones.

ADINA SOCLOF Adina Soclof is a certified speech pathologist and parent educator. Her website www.ParentingSimply.com offers informative and inspirational parenting workshops designed to help parents create a calm, happy home.